As referenced in my May 1 post here on Writers in Residence, I wanted to talk to Marilyn Meredith about the unique experience of using real people’s names. For me, a “one of a kind” experience. Thank you, Marilyn, for including my namesake character in Spirit Wind!

Hi Marilyn, and thank you so much for doing this interview with me. This last Wednesday, I mentioned on this blog site how seeing my name in a book felt, and some thoughts about the experience.. I really enjoyed reading Spirit Wind—plot, characters, location, interactions… In line with those thoughts, my first question is:

• Where did you get the idea of using another author’s name in a book? I thought it such an unusual idea. I certainly loved being in the contest-and of course, was thrilled to be a winner.

At various mystery cons I attended, big name authors auctioned off the chance to have the winner’s name used for a character. I thought why not do that in a contest on a blog tour as a way to get people to follow the tour. It worked, and was fun for me.

• If you personally know the person, do you think about that person when you write their name in the story? Or are you thinking about the character? I’ve used the first name of people I’ve known, and sometimes memories not connected to the book surface—and I have to stop for a moment or two.

No, once I know the name, I start conjuring up a persona for that person—however, for Madeline Gornell in Spirit Wind I did add something about the real Madeline—and I’m sure you know what that was.

• What kind of feedback have you gotten from others?

Everyone seems to have loved the experience. One fellow, and another friend, who is gay, loved that I his names sake was a macho cop.

• Location/setting is really important to my enjoyment of a novel. I love being “taken away,” which you very successfully did in Spirit Wind. Why did you choose the Tehachapi setting? Is Tehachapi a special location for you:

I’ve always been fascinated by Tehachapi, the wind machines covering the mountains, and the engineering miracle of the Loop, where the engines of long freight trains pass the ends. I also had a friend who suggested that I use Tehachapi and the Stallion Springs resort as a setting.

• Do you believe in ghosts, or spirit directions and/or haunting? I found that a very intriguing part of the story.

My beliefs about spirits is that there are both good ones and bad—as in the biblical sense. Though I’ve often thought that the memories of people who once lived in a place still exist. And to be perfectly honest, I love ghost stories and haunted houses.

• Are there other back stories to your plot—or interesting happenings that inspired you? Such as the earthquake in Tehachapi? Or?

I remember that big earthquake in Tehachapi though I didn’t live there. When I was researching Tehachapi I learned a lot about the devastating earthquake, what it did to the town and to the women’s prison. Before the earthquake, a young movie star was incarcerated there for killing her husband, but later was released, and yes, that gave me a big part of the plot.

• What were your personal feelings when you visited the wind turbines? For me they were HUGE up close and personal.

They are absolutely enormous—and there are so many of them! Even more interesting, is the many ranches and homes tucked away among them.

• Any other thoughts you’d like to share about Spirit Wind?

When my daughter and I visited Tehachapi to make sure I had everything right or right enough in the story, while visiting the wind turbines, we came across an injured back-packer who’d been following the Pacific Crest Trail all the way from Mexico. We gave him a ride into town. I thought about the fact that I could have woven some interesting tale about him into the story, but it wouldn’t have worked.

Thank you, Marilyn. Spirit Wind is a most enjoyable book ((of course I  might be a tad biased(smile)) Here’s Marilyn lovely ethereal cover and contact info.

https://fictionforyou.com

https://marilynmeredith.blogspot.com…

 

A new Release in the Skylar Drake Series

by Janet Lynn and Will Zeilinger

 

A Synopsis just to whet your appetite…

 Skylar Drake is hired as a bodyguard for two young starlets. He delivers the actresses home after the Emmy Awards ceremony, but stumble onto the murder of Silver Brovor-Smith, the mother of one of their charges. He wonders why the FBI is on-scene for a simple murder.

Drake and his partner are now on the case as suspicion shifts between the victim’s husband and her three brothers.

Drake and Dolan are misled while kidnapping and mysterious deaths take them into the world of Hollywood backroom deals.

They must keep the high-profile family from becoming front page news.

Drake meets the perfect woman to help him move on, but is she a suspect?

The letters P-E-G-O seem to appear everywhere. He thinks they may be connected to the crimes.

Follow Skylar Drake to Hollywood parties where the forbidden is accepted and games played are for keeps.

This is just a taste. The book is available now. Check it out.

 

The Authors

Janet Elizabeth Lynn and Will Zeilinger

 

Published authors Will Zeilinger and Janet Elizabeth Lynn write individually until they got together and created the Skylar Drake Mystery Series. These hard-boiled tales are based in old Hollywood of 1956-57.  Janet has published seven mystery novels and Will has three plus a couple of short stories. Their world travels have sparked several ideas for murder and crime stories. This creative couple is married and live in Southern California.

 

The next Skylar Drake Mystery, GAME TOWN,  the fifth and final book in the series, is Available NOW, and yes…we are still married!

 

Here’s just a sample for your reading enjoyment.

GAME TOWN

by

Janet Elizabeth Lynn

Will Zeilinger

 (Chapter One)

Two o’clock in the morning. I’d just left the Emmy Awards ceremony at the NBC Television Studio in Burbank. All of Hollywood and its finest had shown up tonight to honor the best of television for 1956. The winners and losers were either at a party celebrating or hiding somewhere licking their wounds. I’d just left the event driving south on Cahuenga toward Hancock Park. My partner, Casey Dolan was in the passenger seat. It was pouring rain when we left Burbank. It seemed to be lessening as we headed away from the valley.

We’d been hired by Epic Studios to escort a couple of their up and coming starlets to and from the event. In truth, we were their bodyguards. The motion picture and TV studios weren’t taking chances with their human investments.

The two young ladies in the back seat were passed out cold. I suspected they’d had a little too much Champagne before and during the ceremony.

I drove through the Wilshire Boulevard entry gate and onto Fremont Place, one of the most exclusive and expensive neighborhoods in Los Angeles. Ahead we spotted a lot of activity on the street. Dolan sat up and stared at the mess ahead, “What the Hell?”

Several police cruisers and what looked like government cars were lined up in front of a house with their spotlights trained on it. As we got closer, I saw the address. 859 in brass letter, attached to the beam above the front door – the address where I was to deliver the girls.

Dolan rolled down his window to get a better look. He pulled his head back inside and said, “You sure this is the right house?”

I parked at the opposite corner. Dolan said, “I’ll stay here and keep watch on the girls.”

I sprinted up the wet sidewalk and ducked under the yellow police tape. A uniformed cop approached me and held up his hand like a traffic cop. “Sorry, sir. This is a police investigation. You’ll have to step back.”

I showed him my PI license and explained that I was a bodyguard for the two young ladies in my car and that I was to deliver them to this address.

He took a look at my credentials and shook his head, “Sorry sir…”

I heard a familiar voice.

“Drake, over here!” I almost didn’t recognize FBI special agent Olivia Jahns. She looked like she’d just stepped off the red carpet, poured into a slinky black evening gown. She held up one side of her long gown and made her way over to me.

“That’s all right officer.” She said, “I’ll take it from here.” He turned away while I followed Jahns into the mansion.

“Olivia…er, Agent Jahns. What’s this all about?”

She glanced back at me and said, “You’ll see. Just follow me.”

I stopped. “I meant the dress, the hair and…”

She too stopped and took a breath. “Come on Drake. You’re wearing a tuxedo. I can have fun too.” She continued to the front door. “Right now, we have a problem.”

Inside, the body of a woman in a pure white coat with a white fur collar was sprawled on the hardwood floor at the foot of a marble staircase. Her light blonde hair and fur coat were soaked with blood. The handle of a knife protruded from her waist. I bent down for a closer look. The blood in her hair was plastered to her face. Her mouth and hands were clenched. I detected a strong odor by the body. It wasn’t cherry, but it was sweet.

“Who is…?”

“The victim’s name is Silver Brovor-Smith.” Jahns interrupted me as most FBI agents do. “She’s the mother of Holly Becker, one of the young ladies in your charge.”

Brovor?…Brovor. Why did that name sound familiar? It dawned on me, “The Toy company Brovor?” I could visualize the logo – a big red circle with black and white letters.

“Yep.” Jahns nodded. “You got it.”

My mind raced. I remembered a lawsuit from years ago between family members after their father passed away. The papers had a field day with the scandal. I stood and asked Jahns, “You sure about Holly’s lineage?”

“Yup, no doubt, Brovor. Since you’re in charge of her, I’ll leave it up to you to break the news to the soon-to-be grieving daughter.”

We looked out the front door. The press had already gathered on the front lawn. Radio and Television remote trucks had set up their lights and equipment while the newspaper photographer’s flashbulbs blinded us. The reporters didn’t help the chaos as the street in front of the house was already jammed with the Coroner’s truck, loads of police cars and an ambulance. It seemed dark on the street. I looked up and saw that the street light was out. Strange that would happen on Fremont Place.

Jahns looked at me. “Why are you still here Drake?”

I headed for the door. It was late, and my brain had stopped working hours ago.

The two starlets came running past me, “No!” Holly yelled when she saw her mother’s body on the floor.

Theresa, the other young lady, shouted, “Oh my God. Oh my God!” She struggled to join her friend Holly, but Dolan had his hands full, holding her back from the scene.

“What are you doing here?” I yelled over the two young women’s screams. “You were supposed to keep them in the car.”

“Hey!” Dolan said, “There are two of them and only one of me.”

I took Holly by the shoulders and turned her away from the bloody scene. I hoped to say something comforting to her when she looked toward the stairway.

“What did you do to her?” Holly shouted at an older man wearing a white tuxedo coming down the stairs. Holly broke away from me and ran toward him. She began kicking and punching him, screaming, “What did you do to her!”

Several officers pulled her away, but she continued kicking and flailing, “You killed her!”

Check out some of the earlier books in the Skylar Drake series. This time capsule will take your breath away.

by Gayle Bartos-Pool

Introduction

 

Ask a writer what is the hardest part about writing and he or she will probably say either editing or marketing. Fortunately, all the large publishing companies and small houses have scads of editors who love to help you edit your work into the next blockbuster novel and there are hundreds of staff publicists who will market your book to all the bookstores…

NEWS FLASH. That first paragraph was 99 percent fiction, my writer friends. First, there are only a handful of large publishing companies left. Many publishing companies have either downsized or closed. And small publishers are hanging on by their fingernails. As you undoubtedly guessed, some horrible plague has hit the country and people have lost the ability (or desire) to read. (Sorry, the plague part is fiction, too. But the lack of readers is becoming truer and truer. That’s a reality. But I have heard rumors that there might be a comeback in readership because young people are getting bored with their iPads and SmartPhones and other computer gadgets and have returned to reading. Let’s hope that’s true.)

As for scads of editors available to help you whip your novel into shape if you do land a publisher, that privilege goes to the top five percent of the authors under contract to those last few publishing houses in existence. The other ninety-five percent and basically all the writers with smaller houses are usually asked to furnish a finished manuscript with every typo fixed and every misspelled word corrected. And don’t forget, you will have to make sure you have used the correct punctuation. If you’re lucky enough to find a small or medium size publisher who will glance at your work and run an editing pencil over it, lucky you.

I have read big-name authors’ works and books by those a little further down the food chain that had numerous errors in them. I wasn’t looking for errors; they were just that noticeable. Many editors either have left the business or have been terminated because publishers don’t have the money to pay them anymore. (Perhaps that is because the price of hardback books has gone up, but the sales of books has gone down due to lack of readers and the profit margin is dwindling.) Or perhaps they don’t see the advantage in putting out a better product. For the life of me, I can’t understand putting out an inferior product and hoping nobody notices.

As for a marketing staff to get your books into bookstores and libraries, publishers have a limited budget to push your book into large chain bookstores… if you can find a brick and mortar bookstore anywhere. Many of the smaller bookstores in my area which is Southern California (That’s Los Angeles.), have closed. But the big name publishers have a game plan. They will put your book in their catalog and try to sell it to those retailers who take books, but only for a short period of time. That means three-four, maybe six months. Then the publisher takes it off their list and they go on to the next handful of writers they have signed and they try to sell their books.

The window of opportunity is very short. And once it’s over, and unless your book grabs the attention of the media or a film company or you hit the Ten Most Wanted list and you become a household name, your book fades away.

If this sounds depressing… It is. But that doesn’t mean you should turn out an inferior product because the chance of selling it to a publisher is small and why bother? Of course you want to bother. It’s your baby and you want to turn out the best product you possibly can even if you do all the work.

So let’s discuss the first job I mentioned: Editing. Remember, in a gem there are many facets you need to polish. I’ll cover Marketing in a separate blog post.

Whether you are self-published or you are with an established publishing firm, you have to do that editing yourself, or at least most of it. Then, if you’re lucky, you will have writer-friends who will help you with your book. Or maybe you know an English professor from the local college who will do you a favor. Maybe you will have to slip her a few bucks to do the work, but it will get done. At least the roughest areas will be polished. But without a line editor or continuity editor or a person who knows what sounds good and what sells, you will still have a diamond-in-the-rough.

So how much editing is necessary? How high is up? I don’t mean to be sarcastic, just realistic. If you write on a computer, do your first draft even if it takes you years. Yes, years. Usually first time writers take two, five, even ten years to write their first book. It gets easier after the first one.

Whether you write a chapter and then go back over it and over it ad nauseam, and then another chapter and another, or write out the entire thing, warts and all, in one fell swoop, you now have a first draft. It’s the big wad of clay that you need to shape or the rough rock that you have to file and polish in order to get to the gem inside.

Let’s take this section by section.

 

Polishing the Gem

Part One: Know Your Characters

 

Something I do while writing every book or short story is keep a List of Characters that tells me their name and a short description of who they are and the role they play in the story. This helps me remember that the antiques dealer is named Lloyd Fowler and not Raymond Fowler. (I just caught this mistake while editing my most recent publication, but that’s why I keep a character sheet.)

When I go through the first editing phase, I refer to that list to make sure I have everybody’s name right. It gives me the opportunity to check and make sure I don’t have two people with the same last name. (I did this in the latest book, too. I changed one of those names.)

The Character List also shows me if I have too many characters with the same letter beginning their name. I might have a Kari and a Kirby, but they are minor characters and they don’t interact, so I left them as is. But I don’t want a Maisie, Margaret, Minnie, and Marvin showing up at the same time and place. It’s too confusing. There is an Alphabet at the bottom of the Character List. I circle the first letter of the name they most often go by so I don’t have too many names beginning with the same letter.

Invariably an errant name will slip past you while writing that first draft, but hopefully you will catch the error when you begin the editing process. That’s why you keep the Character List with you and update it in case you change a name along the way.

There is another reason why this Character List is so important. Say you write a book and it takes off and you want to write a sequel or a trilogy or a series. How are you going to remember all the people your main characters met in book one if you don’t have a list of Who’s Who? And you need to have a similar list for each subsequent book.

Along with the Character List, I highly recommend writing a brief biography for each of your main characters, especially your principle character. This not only lets you chronicle the character’s hair color, age, height and weight, but it also records character traits, education, and job history.

 

Parts Two & Three – Keeping Track of Time & Line by Line – will be coming up in another few weeks.

 

Where Ideas for Novel Begin

by Janet Elizabeth Lynn

My husband, Will Zeilinger and I co-write the Skylar Drake Mysteries, a hardboiled detective series that takes the reader to 1950s Los Angeles and other areas of the west. Our new book, GAME TOWN, is set in Hollywood and exposes a scandal that rocks the toy companies in Los Angeles.

While doing in-depth research into 1950s Hollywood, we came across news that amazed us! Because of the glitz and riches of old Hollywood we wanted to provide the feel of it. The only way to do that was to go to Hollywood and find what we needed.

All authors will give you a myriad of answers when you ask, “Where do you get your ideas?”  And we also give many ways in which we get ideas for our plots, sub plots, characters, and locations, which can be just about anywhere.

As a co-author we agree on location first when we start a new novel, then comes the murders, victims and culprits. In GAME TOWN, we worked backward for some reason. We had the murder, victim and culprit, and lastly we decided where. Hollywood. But exactly where we weren’t sure.  We live about forty miles south of Hollywood and go quite often to events, affairs and for pleasure. So we are very familiar with the area, but exactly where…we didn’t know. FIELD TRIP shouted in our ears.

 

We took the train to Hollywood, and began in the heart of it, Hollywood Blvd and Highland, right in front of the Chinese Theatre. We walked round among the street performers, gawking visitors and local business people. It was typical beautiful day in Hollywood, but nothing shouted out at us…until. We happened to come across the Egyptian Theatre with its beautiful Egyptian themed frescoes and statues. We noticed a red carpet had been set up for an event that evening… and it was heavily guarded.

As we walked around, both of us kept looking back at the red carpet setup. Will said, “There has to be something we can use here.”

We both looked back at the red carpet, looked at each other and realized, Hollywood is known for its red carpet affairs, and various award shows.

We found a small park and began to research the 1957 Academy awards and Emmy awards. We discovered they were both held in March and only ten days apart.

“What a great way to begin a novel,” I said. Will agreed. But which one?

We continued walking through the streets of Hollywood looking at other restaurants, and famous sites to include in the book, but the idea of an award ceremony stayed in our head.

It was during the train ride back, I said in passing, “We should use both award ceremonies.”

Will said, “Let’s begin with the Emmys 3/17/57 and end the book with the Academy Award Ceremony 3/27/57. After all it is Hollywood.”

It was perfect.

So the moral of the story is: When you’re stuck for an idea, go for a walk, and visit locations that are similar or the actual location of your story to get great ideas and scenes.

GAME TOWN is the fifth and final book in the series and yes… we are still married!

Website:  Janet Elizabeth Lynn     http://www.janetlynnauthor.com

Website:  Will Zeilinger                  http://www.willzeilingerauthor.com

 

 

 

Posted for our good friends, Janet and Will, by G.B. Pool. Good luck with the new book.

by Linda O. Johnston       

 I was a shy kid. 

I stumbled when teachers called on me in classrooms from elementary school through high school, and seldom raised my hand to provide an answer.  I could, however, be someone else on stage and so I managed to do okay acting in a play.

When I was about to graduate from high school, one of my English teachers called me into her office and warned me I would never be successful, since I couldn’t talk in class.

Even so, I did okay in undergraduate school.  But when I went to law school and had to participate in moot court, I was advised to join Toastmasters.

That worked–or at least well enough so I had no problem passing even my litigation-oriented classes, even though I intended to become a transactional attorney.

And all this time, I had started my writing and kept on going.

Flash forward quite a few years.  I eventually started having novels published.  I loved it!  But I also learned that part of attempting to be successful was that you had to get out there and publicize your books.  And so, I started volunteering for panels first, then gave talks on my own.  Somehow, I managed to get through them.

And now?  Well, now I’m fine getting up in front of a group and talking, particularly about my writing and the genres I write in.  Which is fortunate.  Last weekend, I attended California Dreamin’, a local romance writers’ conference held every two years.  I had already registered and planned to attend.

But then, on Thursday, I received an email.  Could I please give a talk on my own on Saturday?  A person who’d planned to attend and provide a talk on cozy mysteries and romance novels was unfortunately ill, and they needed me to substitute for her.

Two days to prepare for a one-hour speech.  Could I get it prepared?  Could I actually present it in front of a group? 

Yes!  In fact, I’d started doing talks and panels long enough ago now that I just had to do a search on my computer and find notes for a talk I’d given a few years ago that I updated.

I think my talk went over well.  I enjoyed giving it, and my audience seemed engaged and asked good, pertinent questions–which I could answer without referring to my notes the way I needed to when I started out.

So am I shy any more?  I don’t think so, at least not externally.  And I have learned my lesson.  If you’re going to be a writer, it definitely helps to deal with any shyness you have and, preferably, get over it.

How shy are you?

I have just returned from a long weekend in Vancouver – as you do. I went up there for the Left Coast Crime Writers’ Conference, A Whale of a Crime!

 

The air was fresh with Spring promise and the weather mild – after much cold and rain, I am told. It was expensive. All the attendees were moaning about this – until some of us found a hidden MacDonald’s and the Canadian equivalent, Tim Horton’s. But the local people and hotel staff were very friendly and helpful as we rushed from lectures to book-signings at the Hyatt Regency Hotel in downtown Vancouver, just a few blocks from the waterfront.  What’s not to like?

 

It was great to discover so many authors – mostly Canadian – new to me.

A Keynote speaker was British-born Maureen Jennings who emigrated to Canada as a teenager. She is now one of their most successful writers and author of the Detective Murdoch mystery series and, since 2007, a highly popular television series, Murdoch Mysteries.

 

Welsh-born Cathy Ace was Toastmaster. Now a Canadian resident, Cathy created the highly popular series of books about the WISE all-women detective agency solving cases in Wales – and eight books about criminal psychologist sleuth Cait Morgan.

 

Ghost of Honor was the late Canadian author, Laurali Rose Wright, winner of several awards for her mystery novels, who died in 2001. There was a special tribute to the late Sue Grafton, too. American Guest of Honor was cowboy author C.J. Box – who never took off  his cowboy hat .

 

It was a great time to meet up with old writer friends like Stephen Buehler, who’s short story is in the new collection Murder-a-Go-Go, novelist-sommelier Nadine Nettmann, now Arizona resident and ex-fellow blogger Kate Thornton, Travis Richardson, Craig Faustus Buck, award-winning Scottish Catriona McPherson, and award-winning Brit Rhys Bowen.

 

There were many readers and book-fans, as well as authors. And there was much talk about getting kids to read. Apparently, today around 65% of children leave school not being able to read properly. I was shocked, as my family devoured books almost as soon as we could totter over to the book shelves. In some homes today, they don’t even have books. So there were discussions about how to help and encourage today’s children to read.

 

Another thing that was pointed out was the lack of children’s and YA books written with boy heroes. Boys need heroes, too. There are plenty of books with princesses and other assorted girl heroines. Most writers have female protagonist and there is a decided lack of boy sleuths and boy role models in today’s books for children and young adults.

 

When I was a kid, we had Enid Blyton’s wonderful adventures of The Famous Five and The Secret Seven: boys and girls solving mysteries on their summer holidays, often at the seaside where there were caves in which to explore, or on a grandparent’s farm. Very wholesome adventures, where these boys and girls meet up each holiday and get caught up in another adventure. But it was girls and boys, with equal focus. Today’s writers seem to focus only on girls.

Okay, fellow writers, how about that? Anyone inspired to remedy this? There’s a whole untapped market out there that publishers and writers could fill.

Another topic that came up during the children’s illiteracy discussions was how important it was to “get them while they’re young.” To guide and encourage children from a very early age to find their own individual path in life. To encourage children to think for themselves, to be curious about different subjects that will stand them in good stead as they grow older. How many of us writers knew from a very young age that this is what we wanted to do?  We just had to pursue other paths for ‘a real job’ to pay the bills – but we knew our ultimate goal, even if we wrote only in stolen hours.

 

Children need exposure to all sorts of different subjects in life – and not have their heads stuck in video games where they speak to no-one and lack person-to-person communication skills. Kids need to communicate with real people of all ages. This gives them confidence to deal with life’s challenges. And what better way to inspire this than through books they read.

 

Children need encouragement. People need encouragement. Some more than others.

I remember being taught to make my bed first thing in the morning. If you just do that each day, you have accomplished something. If you’re so down in the dumps that you think you have done nothing with your life, when you go to bed at night you see a freshly made bed – even if it’s not that neat. You did something that day. It is always the little, almost insignificant things that make the difference. Little things we can build on, little step by little step.

So, here I am surrounded by un-opened mail, half-unpacked luggage from my stolen literary weekend, tired from lack of sleep and jet-lag, with a mound of laundry waiting. I sleepily wonder what to do first? I promised so many new friends made at the Vancouver conference that I would contact them…. and yes, I would get new business cards made, finish my website… Most importantly, finish the second Lottie Topaz book. I have serious reports to write for the Woman’s Club with deadlines of today – for the sorry saga of saving this historic Hollywood landmark that is so close to great success.  I have to write the Writers In Residence Blog. I have a heap of bills to pay. I have nothing to eat in the fridge, so I need to go to Trader Joe’s. It is just getting too much. What was I thinking! I feel such a failure. Where do I start….?

I start by making my bed. There. I’ve accomplished something. Now I feel better. Now for a cup of tea….

 

………………………….

 

One of the first rules of writing I learned was the mantra “Show, don’t Tell”. I’ve lost count of how many times I heard this advice “told”, but ironically, I’ve never been “shown” how to do it. If you agree, read on, for I will “show” you my version of Show, don’t Tell with a demonstration of what I call forensic editing – a way to improve writing line by line, paragraph by paragraph, page by page. And I’m going to use a sample of my own work to illustrate how it’s done.

I’ve never shown a rough draft of my writing to anyone before, but I want to give you real “before and after” examples. Below you’ll find the original version of Page one from my novel, A Petal in the Wind III: The Great War. I’ll guide you through an analysis of its many flaws and correct them using forensic editing. Let’s begin:

Lala Hafstein stepped out of the taxi in front of her house. Still a charming two story stone cottage, she observed, surrounded by blooming rose bushes and bathed in mid-afternoon sunshine. The cherry tree was bare of fruit, but the walnut tree was laden, the plums needed harvesting, and apples and pears would soon ripen on their respective trees. A typical early August day in Bohemia, she thought, even if absolutely nothing else was remotely so.

A sense of déjà vu enveloped her as she clutched her travel satchel to her chest and stepped aside. Her parents entered the house, followed by the driver who assisted in bringing in their travel trunks. Lala went inside as well and looked around. The gilt-framed mirror still hung in the entryway above the walnut cabinet her father had constructed decades ago in his carpentry shop in Prague. The parlor, filled with a mix of old and recent pieces acquired through inheritance and her father’s masterful woodworking skills, was as they’d left it save for a trace of dust. She wondered if Hilde, their maid, had been in for over a week. Her life, like everyone else’s, was interrupted nine days earlier, when Emperor Franz Josef directed the bombing of Belgrade in retaliation for the assassination of his nephew by Serbian nationalists.  #

Yikes!

Consider an ideal page one. The opening sentence functions as the “hello” to the story, grabbing the reader’s attention. The first page must coax you into the first chapter and hold your interest. It should give readers a sense of the who, what, where, when, why and how of the story. Usually the who – your protagonist – is foremost. Page one lays the path to the when and where (is this taking place) and the what (is going on), which eventually leads to the how (the story will play out) and why (it’s important).  This version fails on most accounts.

 

Let’s review the first sentence:

Lala Hafstein stepped out of the taxi in front of her house.

 

The who is clear, the where not so much. We know she’s home, but where is home? What is significant about her coming home? How does that intrigue the reader?

 

This opening line is neither dramatic nor engaging.

 

The rest of the first paragraph provides some setting details with imagery. We learn where, in Bohemia, and when this takes place, August. But with summer fruit at its peak and fall fruit soon to harvest, readers might figure out this must be late summer anyway. Not until the end of the paragraph’s final line, …even if absolutely nothing else was remotely so, do we get a hint that all is not what it appears to be. This may be too subtle or cryptic to hook readers.  

 

A dissection of the paragraph shows it’s moving in the right direction, but fails to engage readers. It conveys very little for the valuable real estate it occupies.  

 

The next paragraph shows Lala’s been traveling with her parents. The déjà vu reference harkens back to something that occurred in the first Petal novel. As this is Book III, many readers might not recall this and make the connection. The rest frontloads the page with backstory. The implication, that on the surface things look the same but really aren’t, repeats what was in the first paragraph. And we still don’t know why that is until the end of the page. I knew the bombing of Belgrade marked the actual launch of the first World War, but to readers that reference might be vague; not everyone spent months researching the subject like I did. Worse, I reveal WWI’s onset in an undramatic way, telling rather than showing. Not much of a pay-off for the “things are different now” scenario I imply, nor an irresistible way to end page one.

The opening also falls into a classic trap by limiting Showing to visuals – no scents, no sounds.

 

Now let’s examine how to fix these weaknesses:

 

1- Write an opening line that entices the reader and alludes to what will transpire.

 

Lala Hafstein stepped out of the taxi in front of her house does not accomplish this. My first revision:

 

Lala Hafstein stepped out of the taxi laden with trunks and valises in front of her house.

 

A little better. We surmise she’s been traveling, but we don’t know how she feels upon returning or what her return means, so back to work. My final version of the opening sentence:

 

Relief washed over Lala Hafstein as the taxi laden with trunks and valises came to a stop in front of her family’s house.

 

Relief. That exposes her state of mind. We know what that looks like and feels like. The word captures our interest, puts the rest of the paragraph in perspective, and also mirrors the ending. Woo-hoo, triple points.

 

2- Shore up the sensory details that lead to the teaser at the end of the opening paragraph.

 

I amended it so her parents now exit the taxi with Lala, but I got rid of the procession entering the house. Lala remains outside while the driver unloads the luggage, so I focused on better illustrating the where instead of the home’s interior. What began as a purely visual description:

 

Still a charming two story stone cottage, she observed, surrounded by blooming rose bushes and bathed in mid-afternoon sunshine….  became:    

 

As she inhaled the scent of roses warmed by the afternoon sun, Lala looked over the property. The two-story stone cottage perched on a hill, overlooking rolling plains sectioned by thickets of forest….

 

Adding relatable sensory details beyond visuals, and broadening the setting, vivifies the where.

 

3- Eliminate the repetition and make the reveal about the war’s onset more impactful.

 

Having Lala wonder what the maid experienced, which is third hand information, dulled the impact. The most visceral reveal would be through her first-hand perspective, but Lala wasn’t there. I went with the next best thing, a creative solution based on logic. Curious to know, she would ask, “What was it like here when it began? How did you know?” to someone who was there – the taxi driver. In the final version, Lala does that:

 

The driver understood, for he answered without hesitation. “Church bells, Miss. The church bells rang out.” He stood up and with head bent, took off his cap and held it against his heart as if facing a coffin. “Not just our church bells, but you could hear them ringing off in the distance, from every town and hamlet in the region, ringing for a long, long time. We knew then our empire was at war.”

As he described that moment, Lala could almost hear church bells clanging from near and far.

 

Now we not only understand what has happened, we feel it through the taxi driver’s firsthand account of the moment the war began. By establishing it with sensory detail – in this case, sound – readers, like Lala, can virtually hear the church bells clanging as we listen to the man’s response and see his physical reaction. I can also see readers turning the page to find out what happens next.  

 

 

If you would like to see the first page as published, click on  this link:

Click on “LOOK INSIDE” and scroll to Chapter One. The entire first chapter is available.